I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
