I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
