My liver just broke up with me...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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