you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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