WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
