I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The Olympian is in my bed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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