Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
