My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dick very happy bro
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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