Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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