Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I fill condoms, not promises.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
