I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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