He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
