Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
