I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
