someone owes me an orgasm
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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