I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
