3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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