i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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