he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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