Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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