I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
