Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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