Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
4 words: hood of his car
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
