how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
