Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So many bounce houses so little time
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
