good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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