I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
