i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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