The maid of honor just puked.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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