the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
