im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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