Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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