you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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