Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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