today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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