I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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