We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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