I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
