no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
