too bad you live with your parents still
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
