I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
