no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
