I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
