to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
