there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
