Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
we're so committed to being not committed
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
