So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
