How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
