laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
