I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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