I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
