Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
