Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
