Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
