Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I need water and some morals
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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