i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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