My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
